Monday, February 09, 2009

Introducing The 2009 "Harper Hatchback"

From the same Calgary Conservatives who brought you the "Bennett Buggy" during the Great Depression... The new car for "Tory Times". Forget the Bimmer, or the Prius... this is car you'll end up with this year...

"Nation-builder Magazine" 2009 "Canada's New Car" Review:

The 2009 "Harper Hatchback" comes with none of the options... It's loud and suited to angry, aggressive, male drivers. It belches greenhouse gases, but the manufacturer claims those gases prop up your entire nation's economy. It has rear view mirrors, because only the past/"good ol' days" are important to the manufacturer... Come to think of it, the driver's seat is backwards too (and a little flabby around the center). There is a strong scent of "cat spray" in the interior - it is the air "freshener" according to our temporary "test driver" - Stephen Harper.

The 2009 has a "power steering" feature which keeps the car to the right. You may think it's a little "extreme" to have a car cutting to the right so hard... but we think you'll find that it pretends to hug the center line quite well... all the while steering you headlong for the ditch. Our model came equipped with the "Flaherty Navigator" option... In a nasal whine this distant (really distant) cousin of "On-Star" tells you that you're not in reverse (but we knew we were). There is an "MP-B (for bribe)" player - which plays no music, but mysteriously keeps offering you a House of Commons life insurance policy.

We found the "Harper Hatchback" a little less than child friendly. It doesn't have proper restraints for children (this lack of childcare was troubling to us), although it did have some "The Bible In Full Color" and "Stockwell Plays with Dinosaurs" children's theme books in the seat-back pockets for the kids to read. One interesting "children's feature" in this car was the "capital punishment" button on the dash. One push and it cruelly threatens your minor children with the death penalty - or immediately runs a Guantanamo Bay "simulator".

The "hatch" in the Harper hatchback - a place no-one would want to ride - is designated for women, First Nations, and Visible Minorites. The owner's manual says this cramped quarter at the rear of the vehicle is the perfect place for your "less than Canadians". Apparently there are passenger restraints for the F-Na's and Vi-Mi's, and even a "pot to piss in"...

Like the driver - who does not believe in "choice", the car only comes in one color - a pale, rather blue-tinged white. There is no radio - as this would be a tool to help the "ivory tower elitist artists"... Instead, there is a small slot through which you can feed your local evangelical mission's collection box.

In "real world" driving, the 09 "Harper Hatchback" got roughly 5 mpg. A little rough for a car that want's to be the trade in option for former Hummer drivers. We quickly realized that kicking our driver (Stephen) out resulted in another 10 mpg (although our "Flaherty Navigator" kept telling us it was 20 mpg). The car does come with a year's subscription to "Alberta Oil Discounter" magazine, and a "save $1/liter if you live in Leduc" card. We will test the "Alberta Beef" model next week - a Harper Buggy pulled by 2 really "mad" Alberta cows... (they tell us THIS is where the real savings come in - although rush hour on Whitemud or the Deerfoot's a biatch).

Hitler had his "people's car", and now Canada has it's "Harper Hatchback" (although we hear the government likes to call it "Canada's New Car"). Like R. B. Bennett's buggy, it's another car proudly "manufactured" in Calgary. The government hopes sales of the "Harper Hatchback" will shut down any remaining manufacturing plants in Southern Ontario.

Our impressions of the Harper Hatch:

- Rough ride

- Very little to protect you in case you "crash"

- It costs you more than you originally thought you would pay - a LOT more

- It kills the environment - if that's your bag, babeeee...

- Not child friendly

- Won't be appreciated by women drivers

This is not the car you would keep around for years. If you happen to buy one, your best "out" is to trade it in as soon as you can.

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1 comment:

gingercat said...

LOL! Perhaps you could do a few more. How about the red neck pick up that comes complete with a gun rack or perhaps a big old Buick ( I think it's Dean del Maestro but I could be wrong)