"The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machinery of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the orcs."
"We have only to remove those who oppose us."
Having a LOTR moment...
So why are Conservatives like the evil Orcs from the Lord of the Rings? Let's look at the very obvious similarities...
1) Orcs are evil - so are Conservatives... lol... (that was an easy one). More seriously now...
2) Orcs believe in a simple, all-or-none, me above all else, black/white, philosophy in life. Orcs against the world - no moderation or gradations. Conservatives also believe everything is black or white. There are no grey areas for them. You're either "with them, or agin 'em".
3) Orcs have a voracious appetite consuming everything in their path. Conservatives too have voracious appetites. If you chance a across a Connie in Alberta they can easily be discerned by their beer in hand, steak on their dish, and pickup they idle through the Tim Horton's. They will know you for your "hippie sandals", choice of beverage (perhaps wine, or a good scotch or other foreign libation), and small import car...
4) Orcs don't care about the environment - especially if it keeps them from achieving their goals. Witness the destruction of Isengard and the forests around it in LOTR. Conservatives would drill in the Artic Wildlife Refuge, pristine Canadian tundra, lay waste to Northern forests - just to keep fueling their SUVs and Humvees. In fact, most conservatives would pimp their mothers and sell their children if they could get their hands on a small oil company in Alberta or Saskatchewan - or any other tax-free source of revenue, which is heavily government subsidized.
5) Orcs like their weapons. Cons like their weapons. No-brainer here.
6) Orcs are FOR capital punishment. So are Cons.
7) Orcs have an aversion to sunlight. Conservatives also prefer to keep themselves indoors - away from the light as much as possible. For a party with so little diversity/color, they really should market sunscreen on their website.
8) Orcs whip themselves into a foaming, seething, fuming lather when they are upset about something, then proceed to do the angriest, darkest things possible in response. Conservatives like to whip themselves into a foaming, seething, fuming lather when they are upset about something... Just have a good look at John Baird, or experience one of "PM" Harper's rants...
9) Orcs are known to make a tree or plant shrivel and die, just by passing by it. Conservatives have also been known to make forests disappear.
10) Orcs aren't exactly the "elite" of Middle Earth. Simple, dim-witted creatures, they are the proverbial "anti-elitists" of the Lord of the Rings. Conservatives, similarly, are raving anti-elitists, resenting anyone of intelligence, or anyone who is able to reason and think things out...
My little homage to the Lord of The Rings, and John Ronald Reuel Tolkien. Hope my tainting of the image of Orcs - by comparison to conservatives - doesn't make old John roll over in his grave...
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