Friday, April 17, 2009

Trashtalking Calgary, Part 2... And More BCer vs. SaskBoy

And the (tongue-in-cheek) flame war continues... Spurred on by the NHL playoffs (although I have no idea how Saskatchewan the NHL-less got involved in this...), Liberal bloggers are spouting off, back and forth, defending their favorite province...

As for us, at WesternGrit, we'll be "praising" both BC and Sask., while pooping (in the spirit of Albertan pigeon poop) all over Calgary, home of the Reform-Party mentality...

Speaking of Calgary:

You know you're a Calgarian when:

"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find -2C "bikini on the Bow River weather." (and you swim in that filthy, talings-filled gully)

There is a discount gun shop and liquor store on every corner.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin"or off to "Wally World.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor

What Calgarians do:

If you forget a Calgarian's name, refer to him (or her) as "Buddy" (or "Hoss") with the words sounding like a question (Hey buddy?). You have a 75% chance of being right.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

There is nothing sillier than a Torontonian imitating a Calgary accent, unless it is a Calgarian imitating a Toronto accent.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

How to spot a true Calgarian:

Only a true Calgarian knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

Only a true Calgarian knows how to "procure" Prairie "oysters" (hint: they say it involved biting down and tearing).

Only a true Calgarian can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder", or tell you just what a "smidgeon" is.

Only true Calgarians grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 km or 20.

Only a true Calgarian both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good "shit", and "reglur" trash (and other varieties of Reform-conservative).

No true Calgarian would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

Calgarians HUNTING

Two Calgarian hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another Calgarian approached pulling his along too. 'Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.'

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one Calgarian said to the other, 'You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!'

The other added 'Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!'

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